It is my firm belief that everyone of us has a nemesis, an “archenemy”. Someone who stands for everything you shake your fist at; someone you’d punch in the face immediately, without some exchange of words. The fact that I read comic-books probably doesn’t deter this by-all-means silly fucking idea, but I really completely honestly believe it to be true. I’ve believed it to be true for a long time, since I can remember.
Undoubtedly, most of us will never meet this person. Its just way too bloody unlikely. But we can feel him or her out there, somewhere. Mine’s in a Cracker Barrel somewhere in the continental United States, picking out a new ash tray for his/her place; even though he or she will never use it, and is getting it because it looks “weird”. This person also probably loves ABC’s Tuesday night line-up, and drinking micro-brews/anything-but-Merlot red wine while commenting on MySpace.
Something struck me while writing about the nemesis, however, no more than 46 seconds ago. The nemesis and the archenemy aren’t one in the same. The differ, subtly. And sometimes they can be the same, but more likely than not, they aren’t. We all know “they”. The hidden entity that supposedly controls “us”. They aren’t going to let you do that. They will be watching. They limit our potential, someone’s got to stop them. CK writes about the nemesis as if he were my long lost evil-twin. Goatee and all. He explains: Larry Bird’s nemesis was Magic Johnson; Larry Bird’s archenemy was Isiah Thomas. Celtics vs. Lakers: entertaining rivalry, always beautiful and close in the end; Celtics vs. Pistons: usually turned ugly, there were blowouts and fights galore.
How do you know your nemesis from your archenemy? You like your nemesis, a little bit, even though you despise him (according to Chuck); you’ll never like your archenemy. If you died, your archenemy would dance on your grave while spitting on it. Also there’s this little pop-cult nugget: “The Joker was Batman’s nemesis, but- ironically- his archenemy was Superman, since Superman made Batman mortal and generally non-essential. Nobody likes to admit this, but Batman fucking HATED Superman; Superman is the reason Batman became an alcoholic.” (maybe methamphetamine’s, but that’s speculative)
Anyways, here are the tell-tale signs of Nemesis or Archenemy. Something I feel should be common knowledge; at least more so than which five colors adorn the Guitar Hero neck frets (there’re five, right?). These criteria, according to Klosterman, help:
Recognizing Your Nemesis
-At some point in the past, this person was (arguably) your best friend. -You and this person both competed for the same woman once; both of you failed. -You have (or will) punch this person in the face. -If invited, you’d attend this person’s wedding; even though secretly you’d hope for an eventual divorce. -People who don’t know the two of you assume you to be friends; people who both of you assume you profoundly hate each other. -If your archenemy tries to kill you, this person would try to stop them.
Recognizing Your Archenemy
-Every time you talk to this person, you lie. -If you meet someone who has the same name as this person, you immediately like them less. -This person has done two things (or more) you’d deem “unforgivable”. -The satisfaction you get from your own success pales in comparison to the despair you get from this person’s success. -If this person fucked your girlfriend, she’d never be attractive to you ever again. -Even if this person’s girlfriend was an ugly, hateful bitch; you’d sleep with her out of spite (regardless of venereal disease? This isn’t clarified)
Keep your eyes peeled for that Magneto or Cassandra Nova; cause he/she might be right around the corner.